My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
congratulations to them
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.