I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I think they could have phrased this better
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
this is how life feels
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables