spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
2023 was just a warmup
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.