If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Friday night party time 🥳
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
#Caturday
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.