“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.