I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.