much to think about
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
What number SPF blocks people?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.