inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Never forget.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.