Boating season is upon us.
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!