I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes