unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Coffee is ready.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?