ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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Venn
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
every college guy’s fridge
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
real
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.