Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?