I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
You Might Also Like
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
THIS HEADLINE
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun