Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
You Might Also Like
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Thursday Thought.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!