I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
A bold strategy
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.