Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.