Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it