me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here