*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Whisper out to librarians!
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.