People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?