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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.