Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.