The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.