8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I already tried new things thanks.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
everyone’s a critic
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*