I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel