I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine