we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
You Might Also Like
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t