Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
This might be the funniest tweet ever
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.