The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass