My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders