Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
You Might Also Like
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??