My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
(2022)
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My first son he is wonderful
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.