[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie