Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.