I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
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I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Just how popey was the pope today?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac