Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Oh my god
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.