My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!