I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years