I’M CRYINGGG
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Thanks to a fan for this one!
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end