gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Basketball
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.