Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john