Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn