The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
No, he would not have.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.