Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”