Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Called it
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman