Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
😂😂😂
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
reduce, reuse, recycle
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
TRAIN’S HERE
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
mood
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.