My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)