I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.