I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I put the hot in psychotic.
Yoga Matt
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.